Eli Manning, Give Back Your Hybrid Escalade!

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Eli Manning... our hero???Who doesn’t love a hero? And after a gorgeous performance in Super Bowl XLII, Eli Manning deserves to be one.

So, with 2008 marked already as the Year of Green, I can only humbly ask that our first hero of the year, Giants quarterback Eli Manning, give BACK to Cadillac the keys to their hybrid Escalade with a thanks but no thanks.

Why? Because this so-called “improvement” is like rubbing snot on dry chapped hands and hoping that will make it smoother and silkier. This conspicuously huge road-oxymoron– a luxury SUV? — boasts that it will now get you “50 percent better fuel economy.” It said so even during the multi-million dollar ad campaign.

But unlike its humbler non-hybrid co-campaigner, Ford Focus, it didn’t mention what that fuel economy was.

It’s 12. You get 12 miles per gallon with a traditional Escalade. Yep. That’s right. You can’t see around them on the highway, they don’t fit in ANY parking spot, you NEVER see them scurrying around in the mud or towing a trailer of chickens. And they get 12 mpg.

So, 50 percent better, for you math dummies (I had to use my human calculator, Colin), is 18.

18. Miles. Per. Gallon.

The Ford Focus wasn’t shy in mentioning that its 2008 model gets 35 miles per gallon. It’s not even a hybrid. Imagine the possibilities.

The Manning Conundrum

Now, I know that Eli has some questions to face this morning as he gets up, not the least of which is: how do I do this? His brother, Peyton, is already the funny one, the handsome one, the first one. Argh. What’s left for Eli?

Eli Manning, Here is what you do! Grab Matt Lauer live. Tell him this: I give up my Escalade because it isn’t GOOD ENOUGH. Toss the keys away is disgust. Then walk over the nearest Ford dealership and get you a snazzy five-speed Focus. Or maybe go hogwild and get an electric car.

Be the rebel. Be the upstart, be the unpredictable, wild one who pulls one out of his hat for the big win. REALLY earn Most Valuable.

Because Most Valuable doesn’t just have to be for the Giants and NFL. It can be for celebrities and regular people too.

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Elizabeth Howard

Elizabeth writes literary non-fiction, haiku, cultural rants, and Demand Poetry in order to forward the cause of beautiful writing. She teaches and speaks about the rhetorical impact of beautiful writing. A recent transplant to Connecticut, she calls London, Kansas City, and Iowa home. 

  13 comments for “Eli Manning, Give Back Your Hybrid Escalade!

  1. Tammy
    February 5, 2008 at 5:44 am

    Okay – now go to the Giants website and send him an email!! DO IT!! COME ON _ DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIT!!

  2. Grinder
    February 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    While I agree with you in principle.

    Most NFL players need a HUGE SUV because it is the only thing they can get into that is large enough.

    Remember – even a tiny QB is 6’5″

  3. Cranial Midget
    February 6, 2008 at 6:45 am

    Way to go, Eliza!!! Maybe you could find out how to send him a link? Brilliant idea.

    Way to go, Giants!

    Grinder: That’s not necessarily the case. My Mini Cooper has more front-seat space than many larger vehicles…equipped for a person with a stature up to 6″ 4′. (Did I screw up the ‘ and the “? I can never remember…

    Oh: and way to go Connecticut! GOBAMA!!!

    :)

  4. Grinder
    February 7, 2008 at 11:17 am

    Cranial Midget – ummm – OK – all of you macho NFL players – raise your hands if you think a testosterone laden player should pull up to a stadium in a mini-cooper.

  5. February 7, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    Wow – I guess what they say about steroid shrinkage and SUV-compensation is true, eh? All I was talking about is the fact that a big ol’ car on the outside doesn’t necessarily translate to more room for the driver inside. But those big, gas-guzzling Tonka toys might help “BOYS” feel better about their masculinity, huh?

  6. Grinder
    February 7, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Eliz – email me – important

    Might not reply instantly but can not find your address – it’s about darkness and daughter. :-(

  7. February 7, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Does Eli even drive an SUV? If he does already and is willing to switch to the Hybrid isn’t that better than him driving his old non hybrid version? Or a V12 Uber sedan or sports car that gets 9-15mpg highway?!!?.. If he doesn’t drive an SUV on a regular basis, what makes you think he’ll drive this one much?

  8. February 9, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Pete,

    The difference is that he just went from mere mortal role model to uber-role model. And, the difference is that when you begin to really KNOW why you can’t or don’t need to WASTE, why would you continue to do it, for vanity’s sake? Because you are rich and because you can? Because you think just the little bit that YOU do doesn’t matter? Because you are ignorant enough to think that each tiny drop in the bucket will never ever make it overflow?

    I am terribly sorry to hear that your mother never read you the story about the tortoise and the hare, or that you never understood it. Yes, better IS better. But SUVs were WRONG from the get go. And there’s a difference between consumers trying to change their lives for the sake of healing the world, and consumers trying to change their lives just so they can drive around in a big huge SUV-sized symbol of their own limitations that says “I am Eli Manning. I can pull out one of the biggest upsets of NFL history. But I can’t be bothered to do any better than flashy show-off faux-green when it comes to taking care of the place wear I live.”

  9. Pingback: Peyton Manning Sports
  10. Wow
    December 12, 2008 at 10:10 am

    In suggestion about the focus, some people don’t WANT a small car like the Focus, so what if it gets good milage, good luck fitting stuff into it, no space, none, especially since the advertised one is the TWO door HATCHBACK version. Yes, he should ditch the SUV but there is no reason to buy a Focus, it’d be fine if he got a Mercedes S500, it has better milage, and face it not everyone cares about the milage. For you hybrid lovers, the mileage gotten from a hybrid versus cost of purchase is that the cost OUTWEIGHS the money saved, especially over a short period of time, say 5 years,
    and it would take the average driver over a decade for the savings to equal the cost of purchase with current gas prices.

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