Life in America

How to Win the Nobel Peace Prize

You might have THOUGHT Mother Teresa won her Nobel Prize for caring for the poor and the hungry. But it was really her smack talk about the Bush family that sealed the deal. Because, according to a headliner at the “Ethics and Public Policy Center” there is one fool-proof way to get yourself noticed by…

The 4x4s that Ate Connecticut

… Or, Why We Can’t Find Our Car in our “Green” State Connecticut is a “blue” state which means that it generally votes democrat. It’s full of “liberals” running around shopping at Trader Joes and farmer’s markets, buying organic and bringing that GREEN hue to every statement they make. Hence the theme for today’s eco-rant, brought…

Message from the Coffeehouse

Being friends with other writers is always an elaborate game of Telephone: I’ve got Dixie Cups attached to email and blog strings all over the world. Here’s one whisper from Jenn, today, a new writing friend in the Small State. She sends regards from Stephen King, a fellow Stratfordian (he grew up here anyway) from…

The Return of the Karmic Lawn Mower

 About five years ago, Silvia and Alex Torres gave me their lawn mower because they didn’t need it in their move back to Tampico. It was a good thing, too, because the lawn mower I had was stolen out of my garage that I never kept locked. It was a good thing too, because it…

That Rakeish, Sideways Smile (-:

Or… The Day Renée Montagne Used Valuable Airtime to Tell Me About a Computer Symbol’s Birthday Back when I was “dating” Wilbur, I swore I would never, ever wake up to morning radio. Will had his radio set to 98.9 and Johnny Dare’s morning show in Kansas City. You don’t need to actually listen to…

How I Became a Freecycler!

Or, One Crazy Old Irish Guy’s Junk is One Pikey Couple’s Reusables In case you haven’t heard of this latest craze, Freecycling is the newest thing to hit your neighborhood. It’s bound the be the cause of smothering death of packrats but it is the joy of people like Colin and I who, because of our…

Worm Poop vs. Goliath

Because of the way America is constructed, most of us shop at our local “box” store– Home Depot, Lowe’s, Target, Wal-Mart — for our garden and home supplies. And why not? They’re cheap, close by, and have nearly everything. In the last few years, these stores have really been responding to our demands for more…

Bye-Bye Miss American Pie

One of the biggest downsides to being married is the slim-to-none chance of ever-again receiving a mix tape. Mix tapes, of course, aren’t tapes at all. And this is not because they really AREN’T tapes anymore. Mix tapes are quite simply– love. They say: “I like you so much, I sat for 8 hours on…

A Weekend’s Work in Never Done

Existential Question for the Day, Number 523: Does the American Dream create us, or do we create it? After leaving the confined space of London and the “cultured” space of Europe, Colin and I are handspringing back into the frontier life of the American Dream. On our To Do list, dutifully being followed and checked…

Steve Martin-itis

Or… When Funny and Serious Start Leg Wrestling on the Puce Shag Rug The sucky thing about being human is that even when you are HILARIOUS you aren’t hilarious all the time. Like right now, I am a friggin’ laugh riot, but can you tell? No. Why? Because I am suffering from the appalling and much-talked-about…

A Reason to Work

I was thinking about why I should work. Or why, anyone should work. Why they would want to. I was thinking about what sort of things drives a person to work. You know. Other than hunger and bills. As wealthy and free as we are, why do we work? Offhand, I can think of these sorts…

The Mark of the Bewildered Wild

Now that I live with a mini forest in my backyard, I am seeing an odd sort of wildlife bewilderment reveal itself that I always felt nearby. In London, it was the foxes. Whilst the debate raged in the countryside and in Parliament about the cruelty of hunting foxes with dogs, the foxes themselves (clever…

Love me, Love my Generalization

I am not nice. It’s true. I quite often say not nice things (albeit TRUE things) for the sake of a laugh. Why? Because people are a pain. Not individually, naturally. One-on-one, I quite like everyone. It’s just all these heaving crowds of generalizations I can’t stand! Get them out of here! EAST COAST GIRLS…

EASYNET, BT, and TALK TALK MUST DIE!

… and Other Truths about A Poor and Sodden Nation There are many good reasons that ignorant Americans give to never leave America. Amuuuurrr-ick-cuh’s the best cunt-tree in the whole wide world. Why should I go anywhere’s else? Well, really that boils it down doesn’t it? The truth is, after living three years in one…

Blocking the Deep Field View

Or, Why I Read Orion Magazine, Part 872 Want to have your mind blown? Get this: As of early April 2007, astronomers had found 204 planets outside our solar system. And they just keep finding more. At any given moment, assuming ultra-massive and dwarf galaxies average each other out, there might be 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars in…