I am not nice. It’s true. I quite often say not nice things (albeit TRUE things) for the sake of a laugh.
Because people are a pain. Not individually, naturally. One-on-one, I quite like everyone. It’s just all these heaving crowds of generalizations I can’t stand! Get them out of here!
EAST COAST GIRLS ARE HIP? YEAH, RIGHT
For example, I work in Westport, Connecticut. Now, I started hearing whispers of what to expect in Connecticut — Westport, especially — before I even got here.
But in Westport, people are all UP in themselves. They think the world begins and ends with Westport. If you think the REST of America thinks the world starts and ends where they are, guess what? YOU ARE WRONG! World’s End is Westport, the center of the universe.
Let set this straight, for the record. I have been around and met lots of people, even outside of America. I have come up with the perfect list of the best people, for your easy reference. Don’t worry: most of you aren’t on it.
BEST ‘PEOPLE’ IN THE WORLD
(based on ease of use and best use of space):
1. Iowans – The world’s best kept secret. (tied with)
1. Wisconsins – These are the smartest Americans, but they rarely have to pull the smart card because they are too busy being adorable.
2. Canadians (most French Canadians and some parts of Saskatchewan, excluded) – Even raised in an American “shadow,” they still manage to be sensible, rugged, worldly and fearless. (tied with)
2. The Dutch – Go there and see for yourself why they are the master race.
3. Anyone who works for Disney – Large ratio of gay men, good hospitality training, excellent health care package and nice weather make happy people.
4. Bartenders – No explanation needed, really.
Other than that, most people are exhausting.
Mais, j’ai beaucoup de regrets
Why? Because even though my ability to be hilarious at the expense of the truth of others flaws means many people flock to me and think I am witty and charming and disarming (particularly because I say out loud the thing they are thinking), it seems to be leaking tap I sometimes can’t plug. And it always reminds me of Angie.
Who is Angie? Angie Heck, an old friend of mine from my Kansas City-WDAF days, is a born-again Christian. But, that was incidental to the one strong and fervent belief that really marked her:
If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
The odd thing about Angie: she never SAID this was her belief. It was just WHAT she did. This was true about all of her beliefs, in fact. I count her among my lifelong friends (I hope) — even though we don’t keep up — because I really respect her and emulate her. She never hassled me to go to church with her or pray with her or to be nicer or not say funny-awful things about people.
In fact, she wasn’t even capable of making me feel BAD about the way I acted. But she always tried to point me in another way of thinking. She asked if I wanted to join her on some of her outings and to church. She graciously accepted any answer I had and always listened patiently and without argument when I declined or if I had reasons.
HUSH THE RINGING DOUBTERS
If my atheistic (and skeptical) friends were here — people who never met Angie — they’d have something to say about her ability to “manipulate” me, I am sure. But what would they have to say, quite simply, about her human kindness? I know they couldn’t argue with it if they met her. It would be easy to dislike her as a generalization, but simply impossible NOT to find her one of the best human role models around (though she would naturally disdain of that!).
And she never even worked for Disney and isn’t from Iowa!
I always try to think about her and me — me, my with my average, everyday Catholic Christianity paired with my Gandhi-esque viewpoints — as different people on different paths. I could never be Angie: she is TOTALLY type B (like Colin), easy going, infused naturally with patience, a slow mover. I am not built that way, and hopefully for reasons that have their own benefits to the world, that is OK.
So, while I try to remember that I have something to learn, from her or from anyone who makes different choices than me, I am always looking for other ways to make people laugh.
Even if it means I have to be a little bit more boring.