Brian isn't American... he's Canadian!… and Other Truths about A Poor and Sodden Nation

There are many good reasons that ignorant Americans give to never leave America.

Amuuuurrr-ick-cuh’s the best cunt-tree in the whole wide world. Why should I go anywhere’s else?

Well, really that boils it down doesn’t it?

The truth is, after living three years in one of the great cities of Europe I have to say, damn, America is good.

Why? Let’s start with mere logistics:

Broadband and the internet weren’t invented yesterday. They aren’t new. They’ve been around for a couple weeks.

However, in London, you have a bunch of limey wankers awaking each morning and saying “Oh, bother. The roooooo-ter doesn’t seem to working,” or “(tap tap) Bugger all, this wi-fi.” And they huff and puff a little, then go make another cup of tea.

Do they complain? Do they toss a wobbly or raise an army, or sit their socialist arses down in Trafalgar Square until Good Broadband For All?

No… they just mutter and pay the bill anyway, thinking “ah, well, one’s lot in life is hard and one must endure it” (cue evil empire broadband companies to rub hands greedily and laugh evilly).

Think I’m joking? Think I’m exaggerating???????? FINE! YOUUUU go live there a while and see how bloody fast your internet is, AFTER you’ve waited TWO AND ONE HALF MONTHS for service to be installed. Think I’m getting hysterical? Think that isn’t unusual? Well, you should see mild-mannered Colin when he starts yelling at Scottish customer service reps in his pajamas. It isn’t pretty. Don’t mess with his business.


Then Colin and I returned to the BIG EASY… and I am not referring to New Screwed-leans. I am referring to America, where everything is truly Easy. So easy, you have no idea that you, your girlfriend/husband and all your favorite pets are floating through life on a blissful, warm, bacon-fat-scented oil slick of joy from one 2-hour-windowed appointment with one of the actual COMPETING cable companies to another.

Yes, we have Amero-broadband. Want to know how long it took to get it? FOUR DAYS. Want to know how fast it is?

13 times faster than the shite that EasyNet was slopping into the trough and BT was pretending — with every pay phone call to customer service — to know nothing about.

What can we conclude then?

So if you are feeling unappreciative of Your American Life… or, conversely, you are just feeling down and out about being a little bit on the fat side, remember this: You are only fat and unappreciative because you have EVERYTHING you could possibly want, at the moment you want it, without a thought or a struggle, or a need to shuffle off the the kitchen to make another cup of tea.

And, remember, at least it didn’t rain almost everyday in June where you are, like it did in London.

Elizabeth Howard

Elizabeth writes literary non-fiction, haiku, cultural rants, and Demand Poetry in order to forward the cause of beautiful writing. She calls London, Kansas City, and Iowa home. 

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