Eli Manning, Give Back Your Hybrid Escalade!

Eli Manning... our hero???Who doesn’t love a hero? And after a gorgeous performance in Super Bowl XLII, Eli Manning deserves to be one.

So, with 2008 marked already as the Year of Green, I can only humbly ask that our first hero of the year, Giants quarterback Eli Manning, give BACK to Cadillac the keys to their hybrid Escalade with a thanks but no thanks.

Why? Because this so-called “improvement” is like rubbing snot on dry chapped hands and hoping that will make it smoother and silkier. This conspicuously huge road-oxymoron– a luxury SUV? — boasts that it will now get you “50 percent better fuel economy.” It said so even during the multi-million dollar ad campaign.

But unlike its humbler non-hybrid co-campaigner, Ford Focus, it didn’t mention what that fuel economy was.

It’s 12. You get 12 miles per gallon with a traditional Escalade. Yep. That’s right. You can’t see around them on the highway, they don’t fit in ANY parking spot, you NEVER see them scurrying around in the mud or towing a trailer of chickens. And they get 12 mpg.

So, 50 percent better, for you math dummies (I had to use my human calculator, Colin), is 18.

18. Miles. Per. Gallon.

The Ford Focus wasn’t shy in mentioning that its 2008 model gets 35 miles per gallon. It’s not even a hybrid. Imagine the possibilities.

The Manning Conundrum

Now, I know that Eli has some questions to face this morning as he gets up, not the least of which is: how do I do this? His brother, Peyton, is already the funny one, the handsome one, the first one. Argh. What’s left for Eli?

Eli Manning, Here is what you do! Grab Matt Lauer live. Tell him this: I give up my Escalade because it isn’t GOOD ENOUGH. Toss the keys away is disgust. Then walk over the nearest Ford dealership and get you a snazzy five-speed Focus. Or maybe go hogwild and get an electric car.

Be the rebel. Be the upstart, be the unpredictable, wild one who pulls one out of his hat for the big win. REALLY earn Most Valuable.

Because Most Valuable doesn’t just have to be for the Giants and NFL. It can be for celebrities and regular people too.

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