I don’t want to answer this. I started trying to write about Ben and Jerry’s or about these boxes of Swiss Cheese flavored crackers I used to gorge on when I was a teen. But it’s making me really uncomfortable. I can’t think of what reason– I can only feel it.
So I’ll just try to explain to you what I’m feeling.
Have you ever been in a place — let’s say the Nelson — and maybe you are alone and have a little time to just walk around at your own pace and spend more time looking at that weird wax guard than anyone else ever wants to? And you are walking and you hear your name? Someone behind you is calling out to you and you don’t recognize the voice but you DO recognize the tone. They are SO glad to see you.
It’s that feeling– right before you turn around to say HEYYYY. That’s the feeling. The dread, a sick wave of loss — a prediction that something you had a hold on is just about to slip away.
(It’s right before being very glad to see the person, of course. And all the happy feelings that come with hugging them and spending time with them. That’s beside this point.)
It’s a minor grief, I suppose, but not the kind of grief that anyone would admit to. When I’ve finally set something aside for myself and someone has challenged me to it.
Opening up the Ben and Jerry’s lid and finding it mostly gone when I’ve gotten not one bite– Why should I be angry? I can drive 5 minutes to the store and get more…
Why does it feel like I’ve been plundered? Maybe it’s the word greed itself that makes me queasy — as if wanting something for myself (and only myself) is a terrible sin.
How much do I have to give and give and give away before I can have something just for me?
I don’t like that word– or maybe I don’t understand it– is greed negative or neutral? Isn’t it one of the 7 deadly sins? Seems like that’s what I remember.
How can wanting something for myself to be a sin?
Day 16 of 30 Day Challenge from Poet Jen Harris and Writing Workshop Kansas City.
Prompt: What are you greedy about?