Moving to England?
Concerned about being lonely and ostracized due to your homeland’s generalized ignorance, poor eating habits, and moronically Machiavellian leadership?
DON’T WORRY! It’s simple! Just follow these easy, tried-and-true steps!
- Study important films from your host country to create an understanding of what ALL the people in that country will be like before you go. Suggestions include “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” and that other funny one with Hugh Grant… Oh! “Notting Hill.”
- Buy ticket to London.
- Sell almost everything you own, except your sweaters, your brown shoes, your quietest rain jacket, and your spare liver.
- Arrive in London.
- Take a cab from the airport to new flat.
- Pay for cab and realize that Heathrow Express really would have been cheaper.
- Wedge yourself into the flat.
- Spend next week wishing you’d sold even more of your sweaters.
- Get job at the local pub.
- Spend one week trying to understand landlord’s East London accent.
- Give up on that project and just focus on why he keeps asking “you alright?”
- Develop low self-esteem due to lack of tips and very ugly yellow shirt required to wear.
- Insult minimum 27 New Zealanders by guessing they are Aussies.
- Discover suddenly one day that “You alright?” means “How are you?” and just laugh and laugh and laugh.
- Meet one Canadian whose name is the same as your spouse.
- Marvel that another Canadian could have the same name as your spouse.
- Discover fellow Canadian ALSO has the same mind-blowingly boring hobby as said spouse.
- Insist the two meet.
- Immediately call spouse and order him to come the pub to meet fellow Canadian.
- Wait 15 minutes for spouse to appear.
- Buy two pints of lager for spouse and “new friend” with so-called “tip” money.
- Watch as spouse and other Canadian make friends.
- Sidle over to “clean the ashtray.”
- Acted surprised when Canadian introduces you to other friends at the table. “Oh hello! Yes, I do know what you drink haha… I can name them ALL!”
- Sit down right then and start blabbing face off.
- Repeat step 25 at least 3-4 times a week for month.
- Ignore all signs of class anxiety or social discomfort.
- Go to Dover for the weekend, despite protests and questions of why oh why would you.
- Allow absence to grow the hearts fondly.
- Return to London.
- Go to pub and “run into” new friends
- Tell them about the wonders of Dover and blow their minds.
- Join new friends for drink whenever they text you! You are in!!
Thanks to the ladies from The Scintilla Project for today’s prompt:
Tell a story about something interesting (anything!) that happened to you, but tell it in the form of an instruction manual (Step 1, Step 2, etc.).