Steve Martin-itis

Or… When Funny and Serious Start Leg Wrestling on the Puce Shag RugL.A. Story... The Most Beautiful Love Story of All

The sucky thing about being human is that even when you are HILARIOUS you aren’t hilarious all the time.

Like right now, I am a friggin’ laugh riot, but can you tell? No.


Because I am suffering from the appalling and much-talked-about (but little-researched) disease called “Steve Martin-itis.”

How do you know when you are suffering from Steve Martin-itis? Here are few of the warning signs:

  • You attempt bad remakes of classic films with ever younger actresses, then decide “yes I’ll make a sequel”
  • You write all your own scripts and think they are just terrific
  • You abandon the love of your life for the possibility that another might come along.
  • You wear too much make-up

Actually, now that I look at it, I’m not suffering from the exact same disease as Steve. But I think Steve might be falling prey to another syndrome, one I stumble with sometimes too. I call it the ‘Look Deep Into My Soul” disease.

Signs you might be suffering from “Look Deep Into My Soul” syndrome:

  • Driving down the interstate, thinking of “what I SHOULD have said was…” instead of singing along with Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”
  • Browsing internet poetry websites for just the RIGHT quote to add to  the end of an email.
  • Buying paint for the bedroom walls called “Mystic Lavender” then letting it just sit there on the garage floor because you have no rollers or paint brush.
  • Calling friends, saying “Hey Yeah, doing great! How are you??” Then making a mental To Do list or checking email whilst not listening to a word they say.
  • Looking at the clock. Checking the time. Five minutes later checking the time again and discovering four hours have passed.
  • Staring deeply and meaningfully into the refrigerator crisper.

As you can see, Look Deep Into My Soul Syndrome is serious. It’s is an early indicator that spontaneity is running low and fun has taken a vacation.

My Favorite Gravedigger

What is the treatment for Steve Martin-itis, or this bigger state of being… Look Deep Into My Soul Syndrome?

Well, when I was a kid, my Mom used to just bellow at me; “BETH, DON’T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY!!” You could try that… have someone bellow at you. It might work for you.

Maybe instead, you could do like Rick Moranis does in L.A. Story. Get busy. Dig a grave. Being philosophical only gets you so far. You gotta knock some skulls around to really get things solved.

What??? You say you’ve never seen L.A. Story?

Well, more pity you. Steve wasn’t suffering then.
He was rollerskating away with hearts.

Harris: There comes a time in a person’s life when it’s now or never. It’s now or never. Let me read to you from this book of poems: “O pointy birds, o pointy pointy. Anoint…”
[Sara slams window shut]

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