How do you feel, on this first day, in your mind? In your body? In your heart? In your soul?
First, I feel like saying “Oh my goodness hello and I’m sorry!” If there is anyone out there who has been counting on me to blog regularly these past few years, all I have is a string of excuses. It’s true. Lots of people like to give me “pass” because of the kids and all that which has filled up my life these last few years.
Thanks for the forgiveness. I appreciate it.
I also sort of feel like I’ve gotten used to a certain kind of inertia. I am not sure if it is just a kind of chronic experience now. Do I not know HOW to be a writer of regularity anymore and I have to retrain myself?
Probably. So OK… I’m working on that.
Second, I think I experience the speed of life and the world like a person on a bungee cord. When I am hurtling off the bridge, I can almost pretend I am not moving at all — until the motion stops me and flings me up and backwards. When I get forced to move in a different direction, only then do I really understand the speed I am moving, and how much is really happening.
In my body, that feeling is a kind of buzzy numbness. My mind catapults itself about, trying to keep up.
And in my body, I feel lost. I feel disconnected. I feel like I remember who used to live here, but I don’t know where she went.
That physical feeling — a lost connection to the limbs, of falling into some kind of digital space and having no idea of who or what is around me — it is completely intertwined.
And of course, then I look up and there is my friend Karyn standing in front of me, and I see her lovely skin and her really real realness, and realize I’ve just said something bizarre and maybe a little odd and I think: “oh no. Where have I been? Am I here now? Where was I just then?”
Third, I feel happy that I found Tracy Ann Mangold’s post on Facebook, because all of this discombobulation of life means that I don’t know or remember things I want to remember like #reverb13, unless they flash in front of my eyes like some kind of happy accident. Though I wonder if, in any kind of average remembering, if I would quite so interested.