After reading a somewhat disturbing account of a poor Japanese tourist on a Connecticut train, I’ve decided, on behalf of all Normal (ie., not bonkers) English speakers everywhere, to reclaim the word “TERROR” and give it a total facelift.
New Definition: Terror (n) (t
r
r) : Intense desire to use a pogo stick.
Usage: From the way Billy rambled about the latest model, Santa just new Billy was overcome with terror.
In recent years, I’ve noted a real deficiency in terror. That is, that there just aren’t enough terror sticks to go around. People used to have heaps and oodles of terror, but now they are just sitting at home, practically terrorless.
Back in the ’70s, there was, like, one terror stick for every man, woman and child in America. Now, you can swing a cat around and around and around not hit a single child bouncing around on a terror stick.
Interestingly, it might be the reduction of terror that has caused obesity in America. I mean, there are lots of dumb studies that blame bad parenting and juice boxes, but I am sure all of this could just be sorted out if we got more terror.
If you do some research on Terror Sticks, you’ll notice: things haven’t changed much in 30-odd years. They are still as wildly dangerous as ever. I once terror-bounced into traffic, narrowly missing an ice cream truck’s sideview mirror. Ah, childhood… the memories we preserve. Well, I am happy to say that the new terror sticks haven’t added any stupid safety features — like invisible magnetic energy fields — to lessen the sheer, er, terror (other definition) of boinging around uncontrollably.
Well, it’s about time for me to do some Christmas shopping... I guess some you of you can guess what might be on the list to buy favored friends this year. A little terror could do us all some good– if not just from the exercise, but the possibility of a near miss with a face full of concrete or sideswiping tractor trailers!
Ah, the good old days.
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