90 Minutes from Door to Balloon

Tis the Season to Keel Over…. Fa la la la luh.

I’ll probably die of a massive coronary for writing this, but it’s a sad state of affairs — on the health, diet and media accounts — when we are to the point of worrying about aggravating our clogged arteries around the holiday season.

My favorite thing this reporter says is that EMTs are gearing up with the “90 minutes from Door to Balloon” plan, just in time for Angina Season.

There are several things wrong with this video report– which is not to say that it isn’t useful or accurate or providing a public service to us American fatties (I’ll toss my butt in the ring) who can’t stop sitting on our couches, driving our HUGE cars, and or gorging on hormonally-challenged slabs of beef, washed down with whatever nutritiously-vacuous carbonated beverage is closest to our fist.

So seriously, everyone…how’s about a paradigm shift, just in time to save yourself? Here’s some tips

Holiday Heart Health…Real Tips for Practically Dead People

Don’t bake cookies. Or make a turkey. Or even go to the store at all. Instead, order all groceries on line and have an underpaid supermarket elf deliver healthy, good stuff to your door. Don’t forget to tip!

Stay home. No really. Screw traveling at the holidays. DON’T go anywhere further than a short drive between November 22 and January 3. You didn’t care enough to visit them on Arbor Day, so why go see them now?

Rediscover your feet. Something of popular belief which I think is quite strange: surfing is not something originally intended to be done with your fingers and eyeballs. So if there’s one nearby, go to the beach this holiday season and really surf. Or just put on your fashion tennies and puffy coat (come on… you consume all that junk … NOW WEAR IT) and go outside, for a walk. WHEN IS THERE TIME? you ask. How about for 10 minutes, between IMs or meetings or at that elusive time called “lunch” to buy a bowl of lentil soup. Feet, meet legs, meet hips, meet butt.

Window (or aisle) shop early. Feel the urge to get out and enjoy the season, American-style– buying something at the busy stores? Do what I do… go to the stores and just walk around and look at things. Trust me: after about 15 minutes there, the blinding selection of junk, the sweltering heat, the noise and the crush of teenagers in puffy jackets and fashion tennies will have you running (hello feet!) for the door. You’ll get your fix and you can go home.

Turn Off the TV and other crap. Now I’m the first to go diving the sofa when “A Year Without a Christmas” promos start, but let’s face it: TV is the dead zone. At this time of year, jam packed with commercials and re-runs, you’re way better off starting at the screen blank, listening to the voices in your head and finding whatever way possible to stop “So we NEED a little Christmas, Right this very minute!” from running over and over in your head.

Cook Now, Eat later Since it’s mildy cold out and dark most of the day, that means you’ve ignored the “rediscover your feet” tip and you’re feeling guilty, desiring comfort food to assuage your guilt. So to keep your evil hands busy while the kids are doing homework, make a huge pot of chili or congee to freeze for the days to come. It’s easier than you think (I can do it and I’m a food moron), it’s satisfying, it tastes better than canned crud we were raised on. AND it’s something to do after you get bored staring at the blank TV.

Say No, Thanks! Finally, remember this: you don’t have to do any of the requisite holiday bunk. Just Say NO!

Say no to the parties. You don’t have to drink. You don’t have to eat cookies and shop and travel thousands of miles in a jammed up car just to say “Merry Christmas, we’re here.” A holiday is supposed to be about fun, about relaxing, about reflecting on the important things we care most about.

If we aren’t healthy and caring for ourselves, how can we continue, into the New Year, at all?