When Friends Disappear

Or, the Christmas Card That Ate My Friends

It’s that time of year again– the time when I start fuming about Christmas cards.

I love sending Christmas cards. Sure it’s time-consuming and tedious, but there is just something about putting together a good card with some fun photos and remembering your friends and family at the holidays, even if you aren’t going to see them.

I used to love receiving holiday cards, that was until my friends started producing offspring. As you can see, (demonstrated by the photo at right), once offspring began appearing, my friends actually started disappearing from their own holiday cards.

The card at right is from a good friend whom most of you don’t know. She has an awesome sense of humor, a lovely husband, and a really GOOD excuse for not picturing herself in her card this year which you don’t need to know about. So that is why I can use her card as an example of what NOT to do with holiday photo cards, without offending her.

Mom + Dad – Mom – Dad = Baby Worship

Yeah, I KNOW you love your kids.  You think they are the best things in the whole world. They are to you.

And SURE your thighs are a a bit fatter than they were back when we were all getting drunk together and hanging out. I KNOW you are totally bald now because I SAW that pic of you on Facebook! So why are you hiding out from the Christmas photo? No good reason I can come up with, other than parents seem to think that children= family, not family=family.

The problem with these stupid “Merry Christmas from the Habralskeimer Family!!” cards, featuring only the photos of baby/ies in their chubby-delightful-ness, isn’t that the photos of the kids are offensive. It’s the total inaccuracy of the card itself being from a “family.” Also it is inaccurately addressed.

Dear Friend,
I am sure you were well meaning when you sent photos of these small strangers in their Halloween outfits to me, signing it “From the Habralskeimers!” However, I don’t know who those children are. I knew a Jill Smith who married a Tom Habralskeimer, but I am not sure if this is from her or not. Thank you and I hope you will accept this Return to Sender in the right vein.

Point: I am NOT FRIENDS WITH YOUR CHILDREN!

To me they are strangers. THEY are not a FAMILY! They, without YOU are a discombobulated limb of the Habralskeimer Family that, trust me, would not do so well without you. In fact, since we have lived away in London for the last three years, most of your children I haven’t met, and I probably wouldn’t like very much because you worship them! How do I know?? Because you’ve now sent me photos of them for years, just photos, in their designer outfits, without a single image of YOU, or any handwritten note. Nothing from the actual person I like, respect, and know.

Again– I am sure your kids are fantastic, but if you are going to sign the family name, have the family represented for heaven’s sake! Is it so hard? Trust me, if your kids are cute enough, no one is going to look at you that hard anyway.

Frizzy Hair and All

I sound like a madwoman and I am! Why do you think once you have children people don’t care about YOU anymore?! They DO! They are YOUR friends and they want to see you WITH YOUR CHILDEN, the ENTIRE HABRALSKEIMER family — wrinkles, bald heads, fat rolls, frizzy hair, reindeer sweaters, whatever– ALL TOGETHER. Even the dog and cat would be a nice addition in the photo. But PLEASE keep the CHILD WORSHIP photos to yourselves. YUCK!!

Take note, from the example here: the photo card I received here said “Happy Holidays from (names changed) Jill, Tom, and Christopher Habralskeimer.” As far as I can tell, there is no one else in that photo but a strangely happy, abandoned child, and an stuffed snowman who would never be able to push little Christopher on his sled. NO family in the photo above– no Jill or Tom–  just a kid and a stuffed snowman.

Where are the beautiful mother and handsome father who did all the hard work to make him who he is?? Those are the people I celebrate at Christmas, my friends. They are the ones I want on my fridge, to remind myself all year that I everything I am holding out for is worth it, that life is truly about family,  not just the goal to the worship some small stranger  who looks cute in an expensive Christmas sweater.

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